Saturday, December 3, 2011


Hey all. It's been a minute since I've written (welllll over a year). I'd like to thank Kimberly Scott for always inspiring me to express myself concretely and Alyssa Lee for posting something so wonderful this morning. It was so great to see both of you last week! Consider my heart powered-up.

If anyone who used to follow my blog is reading this I would like to thank you for all your advice and kindness last year. I cannot express how much it meant to me. It was such a tumultuous time for me and I can't get over how we can impact one another over the internet.

So much has changed. Goodbye Texas, hello Utah. Last night I went to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights and the Christus with Carl. Despite the freezingness it was so romantic to sip hot chocolate and walk around in the snow. I just love holy places- It can be any religion. A place set aside for reverence reverberates in my heart. This summer's travels and the decision to live here in Salt Lake were such big steps for me and things have finally begun to settle. My little world has been all shook up and I am excited to begin to build on solid ground.

Things I have learned:

You can't run away from the things that hurt you. You carry it with you wherever you go. The same is true for mistakes. Those of you who know me well know that this is what I do- I run. Realizing that a new location doesn't fix a broken heart or a wounded soul has been huge for me. I spent so much time on my own I had to face myself. I have learned where I hurt, the mistakes I have made, and that love follows you too. It is time to stop moving for awhile and grow. Tender shoots.

Love is work. I'm not just talking of romantic love. The love I bear for my friends and family requires nurture. It's making sacrifices for others. It's listening and really putting yourself in their shoes. Romantically love is a whole different creature. To trust and feel secure are two things foreign to me. To give that trust is so much harder than doing nice things. It has to be there for love to exist. We all have our weaknesses in love. Remembering to go out of your way for them, speaking kindly, selflessness, compromises . . . the list goes on but this is the price you pay for what we all desperately crave. And when you're in it you realize the juice is worth the squeeze.

Someone else will love you. This is so important. I used to believe that because I had fallen in love that was it. He was the end all be all and I had to stick with him no matter what he did to me because no one would ever love me again. As silly as this may seem to some of you it's a real dilemma. I realize that it might just seem like words on a screen but you have to tell yourself, over and over if you need to: Someone will love me. Love isn't cruel. Love doesn't make you cry or feel small. It is not jealous or vindictive. Love is action and words. Love isn't a tempestuous emotion that drives people crazy, it is a steady strength that you build on. When someone loves you, they will not cheat on you or break your heart. If you're hearing 'I love you' and he (or she) treats you horribly that is not love.

I've also come to realize that there is a relationship between what I put in my body and how I feel (shocker). When I was a kid I could eat ten snickers bars and then jump on the trampoline for three hours. Also, if I hurt myself I didn't worry because it would heal. I was so resilient. Now that I am grown things don't magically fix. When I eat poorly or binge drink my body cannot function. Candy just isn't as awesome as it used to be.

Of course there is so much more to say and explore. I have to say that I am happy. I have a relationship with God and I know I need Him. I love my friends and family so dearly they bless me so much. I am loved! It's so important to know. You are loved.

Hey boyfriend- you are perfect. I love you.