Sunday, June 20, 2010

amor amor

Kari & I

Jill & I

Kari & I walking back inside

More of the models walking back inside after our last walk

I just love how I'm glowing in this lol

All the models from the Winestyles fashion show

Closer-up; my boss Jen is the super-cool looking one with her sunglasses on ;)

I ♥ you DeeDee. I hope you had an awesome father's day!

So that was the fashion show I was so excited for in my last entry. It was so much fun, and I met some really sweet girls. Kimberly and Chris were so awesome filming it, both of their first time filming for television and I have no doubt it'll blow us away. My hair was pretty wild huh? It was 3 inches taller when it was first done! I could NOT get the hairspray out in the shower too. Anyway thought I'd share with you. On to what's on my ♥&mind:

That time of year thou mayst in me behold 
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold, 
Bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang. 
In me thou seest the twilight of such day 
As after sunset fadeth in the west, 
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest. 
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire 
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie, 
As the death-bed whereon it must expire 
Consumed with that which it was nourish'd by. 
   This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong,
   To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

Sonnet #73- W.Shakespeare 

I've had this blog for a little while now and I love writing it. I've promised not to write about my past relationship drama- I won't allow it to consume my life or energy. If you wrote me with advice or just sympathy thank you, I was really impressed that strangers would reach out to me. The internet is such a blessing in that way; some argue it polarizes people and now we have no genuine interaction, but I disagree. You wrote me some things I really needed to take to heart and I am very, very grateful. 

I've been reading a lot lately, and while re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia I've felt some sort of pang or prick in my conscious that is vague and nameless. It's always when Aslan is involved. I've been questioning where I am with my beliefs. I say I believe in God and Christ but I spend no time praying or learning more about them. It seems like weeks go by so swiftly without pause for this kind of thinking. My religious background is with the Church if Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon). I had a very rebellious adolescence, though with no boundaries to rebel against. I left for a private LDS school in Virginia when I was 17 and came home last November. I hadn't considered myself Mormon since last February, and since I have had doubts in my choice and reassurances as well. I am happier than I have ever been in my life, though I've only ever had the extremes: very devout or wild, and finding I do have a complete grasp on self-governance is wonderful. So is this 'prick' I mentioned some residue of a guilt drilled into me in my devout days? Or is it my very soul resonating with truth?

What I do know is that we are more than flesh. I had a friend say 'immortals in mortal bodies' and how it's hell, and sometimes it is. Yet we are each so powerful:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it's in everyone, and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence liberates others."

-Nelson Mandela

Whatever 'God' is to you- be it general goodness as Plato's forms or a very specific deity as the Christian God is, we are of goodness and we are divine. I don't know how to pledge myself to a religion when what I believe is somehow so defined and yet undefined. 

This is one of my dearest beliefs; love is Godly. I don't mean love for your fellow man (though that is) I mean being in love. That feeling of completeness with that person, the unspeakable feeling of true belonging is incredible. Love, real love, calms your fears. It makes no sense but you can do more knowing you belong, your mind free from that sort of worry and more is accomplished.

But with all things we err, and we have to choose what we let in our lives. Compromises are essential but sometimes you can't, like when it comes to your personal freedom or happiness. Love isn't jealous. As Martin Luther said 'sin boldly' I say 'love boldly' and accept that there will be need for forgiveness and there will be mistakes. I'm writing this all to myself I hope you know, this isn't hypocritical ramblings. Sometimes I have to hear myself say (or read what I write) to solidify a resolution or accept a truth. You've written me with kind words and sage advice, as well as destain and accusations. The former is much greater but to the latter I can't defend writing a blog. It's an interactive diary and it was a very hard thing for me to decide to do and I've been so scared to share myself. I'm learning a lot as I do this and as I hear from you. I believe this is a good thing and that we can learn from and uplift one another, from our computer chairs or sitting in a coffee shop. I'm on my couch with my laptop and sharing what's in my heart and mind with you wherever you are. How is this not miraculous, intimate, and very human? 

I wish you love.




  1. There is something so deep and truthful of the words that are written here... I cannot really say what but in my heart I know it to be true. For me, I have been struggling to find where i stand with my religion ever since my dad passed away during my sophomore year of college, to be honest though I like you can say I believe but I don't really pray much anymore nor do I go to church like I used to... I will say this though, it is comforting to know what you believe in. God is love though or so most religions I have come in contact with believe. Love is the highest we can get in this lifetime, and I believe that because I feel like you said that love truly is Godly/holy, so I appreciate those wishes of love and I wish you love as well. Thank you again for another amazing blog.

    p.s. btw you looked gorgeous in the pics!

  2. To be or not to be– that is the question:
    Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
    Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
    And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep
    No more – and by a sleep to say we end

    *This is not the intended response
    thanks to blogger, I lost it...sorry Scarlett

  3. thank you Neo for writing again.
    I prefer to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. In the end I'll have whatever I've been refined or beaten into.

    @Danilo- I'm sorry about your father. However bitter life is there is always, at some point and to varying degrees respite. The hurt helps us to cherish it.

  4. Ambivoloence,Shaekspeare,God,religion,where do we begin?

    Ambivolece, having simultaneous, conflicting feelings toward a person or thing.This state can lead to avoidance or procrastination, or to deliberate attempts to resolve the ambivalence. When the situation does not require a decision to be made, people experience less discomfort even when feeling ambivalent.

    To be or not to be– that is the question:
    Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
    Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
    And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep
    No more – and by a sleep to say we end

    Or like The Fox and the Grapes by Aesop
    where in order to resolve the cognitive dissonance,the fox decides that the grapes he is unable to reach are probably not ripe enough to eat anyway.

    We create parameters to stop us from the fire that burns inside our souls. To the point of lying to ourselves to deprive us from the things we want most.

    The poem;

    To blog or not to blog,
    That is the question
    Whether 'tis nobler in ,the mind to suffer
    The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
    or to take arms against a sea of facebookers/myspacers
    and by un friending, delete. To Unfriend, Block, Delete
    No More - and by unfreind to say we end.


    You mention "Jesus" the Son, God the Father, and in the quote from Nelson Mandela
    "the child of god"; The need for a "God", The need for an ego; the ego being -"our need to be reminded that we are brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?, We don't need to hear this but basically like to. This defends Two of our most basic principals.The need for God, and the need for "EGO"
    The self drives the ego it wants to hear these things. but then "God" our guilt, slows down our overwhelming sense of want.

    Is guilt something built into us or beaten into us by our culture or religion?

    Ask your self these questions? Who is your creator? Who is your father? What is your creation?

    We are Luminous beings this mortal coil restrains us from our pure energy forms.

    Love is selflessness, righteousness, The true path and the way, "We can only, enter the kingdom of heaven (the father) thru the son (or daughter)" We become like God when we create, we love unconditional, and permeate the existence of all of our creation.

    Love is the only weapon...

    What I wrote was something along these same lines...Maybe a phrase or two missing or altered but this is the gist of it... Scarlett muse.

  5. We were all created in an open loop. It's what gives us the ability to evolve. In the end whatever put us here did so with the idea that in the end we are, as a species, safe and secure, protected and strong.

    Along any of our lives we are blessed with the opportunity and responsibility to meet and learn from others within the world we were blessed with and through these interactions we are able to affect the "whole", our evolution, our progression.

    All the time people feel alone, in the dark, and out of place. But it's a world created to share, to progress, and to push forward. To create, build, and at times tear down.

    And anyone with the intelligence enough to chew their food before they swallow it should be acutely aware that somewhere along the line, this life was given to us. To all of us the gift and purpose of living was granted and we should all give and take what we can while we can.

    As far as the afterlife is concerned. . . . . I learned from a dear person a long time ago that it's there and no matter how long I tried to argue and even though my reasoning seemed like it was strong, I became a believer and although I can't put my finger on it nor define it, it brings comfort to know that all of the deaths and loss we deal with as human beings, that there is something else, something better, and with that faith it does make it easier to press on without fear, it's impressive that you even have a paisley tattoo, eternal, everlasting, evolving. . . To me paisleys bring to mind the phrase "Live ever, Die never" But anyway your tattoos are beautiful and unlike every other girl in the world tastefully done and tastefully worn.

    You are truly amazing with words. . . . very special stuff.

    Creativity is born from struggle.

    Be good.