So I finally found a lull in things to make an entry and I am so excited! Things have been wonderful lately, this weather in San Antonio is perrrfect ♥. I've been playing my geetar nonstop and I've been feeling so inspired. Hopefully I'll be recording a few things (keep in mind I've been playing for 2.5 months, so don't hate) and I'll get them up :).
These photos were taken by the wonderful Kimberly Brimhall . The first two we did an Alice in Wonderland inspired shoot and our light wasn't charging so she improvised and used car headlights. They turned out pretty bomb if ya ask me. The second two were randomly taken early in the morning, we saw the grey sky and just had to capture the colors. That girl is unbelievably talented. I'm her assistant so if you are interested in having photos done for any occasion let me know and i can set it up (email@example.com). I just love friends who spend their time creating and capturing beauty. (not to say that I'm the beauty, she just has this eye for those sorts of things). Anyway, like I said I want to spend my time helping people create and uplift them. That's my joy. Hopefully what I'm involved with and create myself can inspire others. I wanted to share some of my poetry, so here goes, and I hope you enjoy :)
You ruined me. The me I was in your arms,
you ruined me.
Projection for protection is painful at best,
while for me it sinks in like acid on my flesh.
I hate myself.
I hate the girl who fell for the ruined you,
the you I hoped you were in my arms.
I hate the words I have saved up for you,
these thousands of furious letters that shake the cage of my heart,
As if when they broke free they would cut right through the hurt
that has become the you outside of me.
I mourn the world we were,
The safety in those arms of yours was mine and now all we were lies naked,
slaughtered on the floor and we like buzzards peck and feed upon ourselves
trying to come out of this with something that is all ours;
separate from one another.
Where will I end up?
Painful, hazy days collide into one another and time vanishes,
though I can't be anywhere when I am a notion I cannot comprehend.
I hope the person I am underneath the decay is fresh and happy,
Yet I fear Love is me and that I can never be.
Make it Beautiful
i push the same piano key
just for the sake of sound
i can feel this happening
ice on trees
hat racks from Sweden
solitude and sin
i miss the you i knew
high school hallways in HD
i love you in the library
push my pen
punch these keys
write my longing out for me
bandaids and kisses
she said, "you're okay my baby"
training wheels and
flying on my handlebars
"just look at you go"
I'll sing and play so you always have
something to take you away,
a song to dance to.
know you've made a person
who loves you fiercely and
I will carry you the rest of my days.
if I don't lose it now it doesn't mean
I don't care,
I'm trying to keep it together for you
and for the sake of
I will pour you in my geraniums
I will pick my ripe tomatoes with you on my mind
when I mess up my sewing I will miss you the most,
with a pang that will dull but will always burn.
if he leaves me for her I'll know how it felt,
round belly and a broken heart.
if I dance in the kitchen with a man
who doesn't love me,
I'll know how it was
to never be enough.
and I will be sorry for the days I didn't.
eyes full for lost time,
remembering yours one more time.
the tests might come back okay mommy
but if they don't I promise you;
bandaids and kisses,
patience when it gets too rough to be real,
too painful to be fair,
too much to bear.
Those are a few of my favorites. I really love writing so much, and I get inspired in these clear moments at the most random times. I wrote 'Breakup Song' after things ended with my ex-fiance. My whole world was ripped away in a moment and my recoil from it all was pure confusion and rage. It has tempered since, and I am in a good place, I am a firm believer in forgiveness. 'Make it Beautiful' I wrote when I found an art journal from high school that had a photo of a dear friend and I we had xeroxed. She wrote, "the moments that you're living and not the ones that follow, that make this mess you're cleaning in your head" She was one of the first people I ever fell in love with their soul. Lastly, '4.13.10' I wrote after my mother had an abnormal mammogram and we didn't know what the outcome would be. Her mother died from it at her age and so she was beside herself. I'm the sort of person that when something gets drastic and is suspended in the uncertain I get very still and quiet. She mistook this for a lack of caring on my part and this was the only way I could get out how I felt. Perhaps I will show it to her one day.
I've heard having a blog is about sharing yourself with complete strangers, and that they can become dear friends. I read somewhere recently (I believe it was Vogue) that every happy friend you have can increase your personal happiness by 9% . . . each. Who knows what the validity of that is but I know that the people I have been aligned with that are optimistic and driven lift me up so much. I truly am grateful for them and I hope that I uplift in return. So I want to know what projects you are working on, what is bringing you to that higher wavelength in life. Be it a song/ album that you just can't stop listening to or a new hobby of yours I'd love to hear it. After all, aren't our lives made up of one another?
♥ so much.